Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The God Column

* Are socialites, bored trophy-wives, and Deepak and Wayne Dyer wannabe’s still claiming to be spiritual just because they light candles in their spacious meditation rooms, and drink their Chablis barefooted on woven bamboo mats on hardwood floors?

* Ever notice how poor people never claim to be spiritual? Can’t afford the books and dvd’s, I guess. Oh yeah, and their meditation room? Probably filled with the actual necessities of living.

* Is God really alive today? Must have resurrected himself again. I remember when the word was out that ‘God is dead’. Actually, I think we just morphed him into an image of ourselves, gave him a yoga mat, and suggested he ‘go sit over there on the floor’. God must have a pretty good identity crises of his own going these days.

* But there’s really nothing wrong with God that our leaving him alone wouldn’t fix. We’ve already done a damn good job of soiling his reputation.

* Most people recognize God when they need something from him, like teen-agers begging dad to use the car. But how many of those same teen-agers even acknowledge the existence of parents when they don’t want something from them?

* John Lennon said, “God is a concept by which we measure our pain”. But I think John got it wrong. I think pain is a concept by which we measure our God. I’ve said that before, but hey, this is a ‘God column’, so it bears repeating.

* The first Commandment (of the abbreviated Ten) says “I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt have no other gods before me.” However, the problem is that everybody tends to think “If I can’t have any other gods, then OK, there is NO god.” In other words, “If we can’t play by MY rules, then I’ll take my ball and go home”. Maybe God could have phrased the commandment a little better to accommodate everybody. Something like “Hey people, you and I both know that I’m God, but while you’re growing up you can have all the little paper gods you want. Get that out of your system, and after you become an adult, well, then I’d like a little more respect. If you don’t mind, of course.” You know, a suggestion, rather than a commandment. In fact that’d work better for everybody. Yeah, The Ten Suggestions. I like the sound of that.

* The bible says “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. . . . . . . , and you shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Question: So, if I don’t have any neighbors I can’t really do that second part. Then does that mean I don’t have to do the first part either?
Answer: Huh?

* Another Question: “If there’s a God, then why does he let war and disease and death, and bad things like that happen to good people?”
Good question. If you’re five.

* Ever hear somebody say “The god in me loves the god in you, brother”?
Translation: “I hate your ass, and it’s a good thing that my god loves your god or else you’d be one messed up mother f***er right now.”
Don’t you just love the spiritual heights to which we climb?

* Cleanliness is next to Godliness. If that were true, everybody using anti-bacterial soaps, shampoos and lotions would be saints. And of course, conversely, ditch diggers, soldiers, cowboys, and mud wrestlers would be children of the devil. Well, mud wrestlers. . . . . . maybe! But it’d be fun to wrestle with the devil’s kids if that were the case.

* You know all those devotional candles in the Catholic Church that you can go in and light, as a prayer, or as a remembrance of somebody? Do ya think you should really have to pay to light those candles? Just asking.

* God helps those who help themselves. Oh really? Seems like they don’t need any help. I’d like to think God helps those incapable of helping themselves. But that’s just me.

* Ever notice how ‘God Dammit’ and ‘Jesus Christ’ seems to be pretty common language for many Atheists when expressing anger, frustration, or indignation at the suggestion of a God?

* God cannot be mocked. Those claiming to represent him can be mocked. But mocking God? Fool’s gonna lose that battle every time.
God’s always gonna have the last word, ya know!

* Ever hear it said, “The devil’s in the details?” Could be the best definition of religion that I’ve ever heard.

* There’s really nothing wrong with religion that a religious pyromaniac couldn’t fix.

* A lot of people say they know God. A lot of people say they know their neighbor too, but they’ve never had him over for dinner. They just wave once in a while when backing the car out of the driveway.

* Jesus Saves. And if, as a nation, we’d followed his example and saved a little bit ourselves, we might not be in the financial mess that we find ourselves in today.

* God has a plan for your life.
Oh, sorry, my mistake, that was Obama with the plan for your life.

Ah, C’mon friends, get a sense of humor!