There was a person, and a situation, that left some extended
family members appalled, not only because of the persons blatant attempts to
unapologetically exploit other people, but to ascribe an innate holiness to the
behavior as well. Family members
talked among themselves about the person, and not in flattering terms. There had been a running commentary
throughout much of the family, but nobody would address the situation with the
person; choosing instead to gossip about it amongst themselves, while
pretending that nothing was amiss when interacting with that individual.
I addressed the situation, the dishonesty, with some
honesty, and some truth. And some
of the family members became afraid of me for having spoken so frankly. In my opinion, that in itself is cause
for concern.
“In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a
revolutionary act.”
- George Orwell
Not to pat myself on the back. That’s not what this is about. I take no pleasure in calling someone out for their
disingenuousness. But untruthful
people still don’t get it, that honesty is in their own best interest. Others, who are privy to their untoward
behavior are so afraid of being thought of as judgmental, or of being shunned,
rejected, or excluded, that they will hide behind silence to protect
themselves. And they will often
disassociate themselves from those who dare to be honest. But they really only protect themselves
from their own insecurities, and in the bigger picture they do themselves an
enormous injustice, inhibiting their own ability to breathe freely.
In defense of avoidance, people will say that honesty hurts
other people, other people’s feelings.
In truth, sometimes it does.
But in order to accomplish anything in this life we must be willing to
risk something. In order to help
someone else we must be willing to sacrifice something of ourselves. So if a person is unwilling to risk
hurting the feelings of someone who is raising disingenuousness to levels we
don’t even want to be around, then the unwilling, and everybody else, will have
to live with the behaviors of, and the repercussions from, the one choosing to
be so mendacious.
What of the drug abuser or alcoholic whose self-centered
behavior damages the lives of his entire family? We wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings? Or the family member who continually
lies to those who love him the most?
Or the religious people who choose to exploit other people for their own
gain? Or the social climbers who
want to look good in the eyes of whoever they choose to use to get ahead? Should we be overly concerned with
hurting their feelings? Or is it
that we wouldn’t want to hurt the feelings of somebody we might want, or need,
to remain associated with? Should
we just remain silent so as not to disrupt the status quo, so as not to mess
with the illusion of bliss while embracing the elephant in the room, and
enhancing the level of dishonesty rather than bringing humankind closer to
living in the realm of truthfulness. Maybe the question should be “Why would I not want to deal honestly, straightforward if you will,
with someone who is less than genuine with me?”
There is no power to be had over someone who has nothing to
hide. That person can live
forthrightly, and in good conscience.
That person is free to be honest.
Some people put no value on honesty. They put value only on whatever it
takes to get by, to get ahead, or to make themselves look good. I feel very sad, and very sorry, for
those people.
Perhaps you’ve heard it said that ‘A person is only as
sick as his secrets’.
Maybe you haven’t.
But you have now.
Silence kills . . . . . . . . . eventually.
Yourself, and others.
A little bit at a time,
like infection poisons the blood.
How many times have we refused to respond to an issue
someone has created for fear of causing drama, trauma, upset, dislike, disdain
or rejection? How many times have
people allowed lingering resentments to fester like an ugly wound, only to have
the infection take root and become a much greater problem than if it been had
addressed properly, honestly, to begin with? Honesty is not only the avoidance of telling lies. It is about the manner in which we live,
the manner in which we conduct our lives.
It is about the attitudes and innuendos we construct, and the
impressions we project for others to define us by. Honesty is a casserole of self-assessment, attitude, belief,
and behavior. It’s unfortunate
that it gets reduced down to lying, or
not lying.
I choose not to live with lies, deceit, or dishonesty, with
myself, or with others. And if it
hurts somebody’s feelings to address it, or if it isolates or alienates me, so
be it.
I can live with that.
I mean them no harm. They
cannot be hurt by honesty if they embrace honesty as a trusted companion. And I cannot be hurt by them
if I’m not afraid of what they think.
I do not consider myself to be righteous, self-righteous, or even
un-righteous. I am simply doing
the best I can with what I know, and with what I have.
And I believe it is better to have one good friend who is
honest with me than to have a myriad of friends who are not.
Anything short of honesty is not leading to better.
It may sometimes seem like it might be for the best, but we
must ask ourselves,
‘Better for whom’?
