We, as men, carry our disappointments with us internally
(women seem to talk them out among friends). Not only disappointments, but we also tend to personalize
someone’s disrespect of us, the most innocuous slight even, as if it were the
difference between our death and our survival. It can feel like that when we feel disrespected at every
turn in any given day - wife, boss, kids, and strangers even. We are built to fight back, but love
and personal integrity inhibits most of us from lashing out at wife and kids,
or at least it should. Social
protocol and business sense (self-preservation) do not allow us the
satisfaction of figuratively pummeling our boss, and cultural standards repress
our anomalous intentions towards strangers. Thus we are left with an internal struggle to maintain calm
while being assaulted daily (it seems), by others.
Because striking out at a boss will get us fired, and
striking out at strangers will get us arrested, the most opportune alternatives
we are left with are to either control our temper, which for many is easier
said than done, or to take it out on those who cannot hurt us . . . . . . . . .
namely, our families. Of course
there are other options available to regulate our anger, like a physical workout,
or a hobby we are passionate about, but when it comes to needing to establish,
or reclaim, some lost dominance for having been diminished, we generally find
our families to be convenient victims.
The great majority of us, thankfully, do not strike our wives and
children, but we make them the object of our tempers, nevertheless. We do rain our tempers down upon them
in various fashions. It is
inexcusable, and it should not happen, but men are human, and some are better
able to control their emotions than others. I don’t believe it is intentional in most cases. Many very good men berate the ones who
are closest to them. And I do not
believe it is for lack of love. It
is for lack of something, but not necessarily for lack of love.
I know men who are wonderfully sensitive souls, who care
deeply about their wives and children, who work with children even. But when the stress in their lives
builds to unmanageable proportions they are just as quick to yell at their
loved ones as the next guy. They
don’t want to, and they don’t plan to, but they do. The tempers of men seem to be tied inexorably to their own
need for respect, from their loved ones, and from the world at large. When it does not measure up to their
expectation of it it becomes like a fatal mix of chemicals that ignites and
suddenly explodes indiscriminately.
I have been witness to this more times than I care to recollect. It is not pretty, for the wife, for the
child, or for the man himself.
So what can be done to circumvent the dynamic? Well, it is an individual problem that
requires an individual solution, one that a man must work out for himself. As with trying to correct any flaw in
behavior, it must begin with recognizing the transgression and making an honest
effort to understand it, followed by a sincere desire to moderate the
action. A plan can be developed
from there. I believe that intent
of the heart is the most positive, and influential, driving force behind any
true accomplishment in a relationship.
Any man who wishes to not be yelling at his wife and kids, who wishes to
control his temper, and who possesses that intent will, alone, or with the help
of others, arrive at his own solution.
I have every confidence that he will.
